37 signs you've been taking London transport for too long

There’s something about living in London and relying on public transport that makes you intolerant of waiting around. But it also makes you more tolerant than most people about a lack of personal space or someone being sick next to you.

Here are signs that you’ve become a real Londoner when it comes to getting around.

This counts as an orderly queue (John Stillwell/PA)

1. You think waiting for four minutes for a Tube is an absurdly long amount of time.
2. It wouldn’t be completely unrealistic to say you could do your commute blindfolded.
3. You always factor in one hour to get anywhere, even when outside London.
4. The level of rage you feel towards slow people on Tube stairs is actually pretty worrying.
5. You think taking three night buses to get home from an evening out is completely reasonable.
6. You no longer bat an eyelid at the bizarre happenings on night buses.
7. You’ve started vocalising your disgust at people who try to get on the Tube before you’ve got off it.
8. When people from other (nicer) areas of the UK thank the bus driver, you snigger.
Taking a third night night bus is normal (futureshape/Flickr)
9. You have zero sympathy for people who get shouted at for standing on the left on escalators. They need to learn.
10. If someone talks to you on the Tube you assume they’re drunk.
11. It feels weird when you do your make-up not on moving transport.
12. You think you may have forgotten how to drive.
13. You’ve almost lost a limb to closing doors so many times but you like the challenge.
14. The prospect of offering a not-pregnant-just-rotund woman your seat is a daily worry.
15. When a pregnant woman gets on the train but you’re standing, you give intense death stares to everyone who’s seated.
16. You have a disproportionate amount of anger towards anyone who can’t get through the barriers.
17. You know where to stand – to the centimetre – on each platform so the doors open in the right place and you don’t waste a second walking when you don’t have to.
18. You know which Tube stations have the quickest interchanges. You’d never subject yourself to a long underground walk at Bank/Monument or Green Park.
19. When it comes to precious seats, you appreciate that old-fashioned chivalry does not exist on London transport.
20. You’ve seen the same person on your commute every day for the past five years and both of you pretend not to realise. And that’s fine.
21. Instead of feeling sorry for people struggling with loads of luggage, you think they’re stupid for travelling at rush hour.
22. You’ve unintentionally woken up in Mordon/ Cockfosters/ Upminster more than once.
23. You blissfully go about your travelling life never once worrying about bumping into an ex/one-night stand because you know there’s zero chance of it happening.
24. You think people who eat on the Tube are a strange species.
25. You roll your eyes at people who stand up to get near the doors before the Tube/train/bus has come to a stop. Amateurs.
26. You don’t remember the last time you needed to refer to a Tube map. You’re no tourist.
27. You know that the Victoria line tannoy voice is always female.
28. When you see someone asleep you worry they’ll miss their stop but you wouldn’t dream of waking them up. That would be weird.
29. You’ve tried to use your Oyster card to get through train barriers in other cities.
30. The launch of the night Tube is one of the most exciting things to happen to you this summer.
31. You feel actual joy when you get a seat at the front of the top deck on a bus.
32. The announcement “the destination of this bus has changed” strikes fear into your heart.
33. You accepted long ago that there is no such thing as an orderly first come, first served queue to board a London bus – and you use this to your advantage frequently.
34. You know why this guy is just wearing pants.
He’s taking part in the Global No Pants Subway Ride event (Matt Dunham/AP)
35. Principally you might wholly agree with workers’ rights to strike, but that doesn’t make you feel better when you have to get up at 5.45am during a walkout to make sure you get to work on time.
36. You wake up to these emails way too much.
37.  You wonder if the sauna-like temperatures of the Tube in summer is legal and regularly think about writing a strongly worded letter of complaint.
You’ll probably just continue to complain on Twitter though.




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